An Interview with Deliverance

An Interview with Deliverance

 

Victoria: Thank you for taking the time to give an interview. Your fans will be happy to hear from you.

 

Deliverance: Of course they will. What a shame I can’t give them all an ‘interview’ (air quotes) in person.

 

Victoria: Yes, well, they’d love that, I’m sure.

 

Deliverance:  They would. (smiles) Guaranteed.

 

Victoria: (sigh) Whatever.

 

Deliverance: (frowns) I don’t get it. Why don’t you like me?

 

Victoria: What makes you think I don’t like you?

 

Deliverance: (smirks) The way I know how to read women, what do you think are your chances of hiding your feelings from me? Take, for instance, the way you keep clenching your teeth between questions.

 

Victoria: (I try to relax my jaw.) Just pre-release day stress. Nothing to do with you.

 

Deliverance: Bull. Shit. (says it in a very metrosexual sing song way)

 

Victoria: Fine. Let’s start with this. Disrespect. You’ve come to my interview wearing nothing but doeskin pants, which look incredibly soft and comfortable and luxurious by the way. You don’t even have on shoes.

 

Deliverance: (looks at his feet and admires his stretching toes) Is there something wrong with my feet?

 

Victoria: No, demon. Even your feet are beautiful. You know it. I know it. (He smiles wickedly.) That’s not the point.

 

Deliverance: It’s not?

 

Victoria: No.

 

Deliverance: Well, I didn’t know this was a no shirts, no shoes, no shit interview.

 

Victoria: It’s not! Obviously. Since I’m talking to you.

 

Deliverance: If we agree that my feet are nice to look at, then why would I want to cover them up?

 

Victoria: Why are you wearing pants?

 

Deliverance: Because I get too much of the wrong kind of attention in your dimension if I display the uncensored version of glory. But since it’s just the two of us… (stands and reaches for his waistband)

 

Victoria: Stop right there! I’m a married woman.

 

Deliverance: (stares before throwing his head back to laugh) And you think most of my fuel isn’t provided courtesy of married women? You still haven’t given me a reason why you don’t like me. (sits, pants on)

 

Victoria: Because I pride myself on multifaceted characters and you’re pretty close to one-dimensional.

 

Deliverance: One-dimensional Funny.

 

Victoria: (grins) It was. It is. I need to make a note and use that in a book. (I look around for something to write on.)

 

Deliverance: I’m not one-dimensional. I have a family.

 

Victoria: That’s the only thing that keeps you from being completely one-dimensional. Except for that, your entire existence is nothing but sex.

 

Deliverance: What’s wrong with that?

 

Victoria: What’s wrong with that is – sex is not everything!

 

Deliverance: If I put you someplace where there’s no food for two days and then ask if food is everything to you, my bet is you’d say yes.

 

Victoria: Okay. You have a point there. I’ll give you that. But that’s not all. There’s the fact that you are completely self-absorbed and as irresponsible as a fifteen year old.  It’s a waste of eight hundred years.

 

Deliverance: (laughs) Okay. I get it. You hate me because I’m beautiful, live for sex, never age, and may live forever. You’re jealous!

 

Victoria: I am not!

 

Deliverance: Are too.

 

Victoria: Not!

 

Deliverance: Look. You’re holding the pen. You don’t like me like I am. Write me different.

 

Victoria: (pouting)

 

Deliverance: So. Are you gonna do that?

 

Victoria: No.

 

Deliverance: (smiles) Fine. Then let’s move on to something more pleasant.

 

9/19/2013 Gathering Storm Release Day